Final Fantasy Abridged
by Jason Tandro
Summary: A complete abridgement of every Final Fantasy from 4 to X2, including Dirge of Cerberus.  It's obnoxious, slightly innapropriate and hilarious.


Final Fantasy Abridged

Final Fantasy 4

Some dude got set up by his king. He blew up this town and took this girl and this other girl to this other kingdom where they met this old dude and this gay prince. They met this phat monk dude and their ship got eated, and so the dude meets these weird twins and becomes a good guy, and then he goes back and kills his king, who really isn't his king, but some imposter. Anyways all kinds of stuff happens and they end up fighting this black mage and chase him underground where they meet these not-so-phat dwarves. One of the girls from the blown-up village has grown up and is now jailbait and mad powerful. So they climb up this Tower of Babel and fight the black mage again, and they find this gigantic Monstro wannabe called the Lunar Whale, go the Moon Palace and meet this cool Moon Sage dude. They go back and fight this phat dungeon called the Giant of Babel and then face off against this totally different guy named Zeromus. Happy end.

Final Fantasy 5

So these four peeps are trying to save these four crystals and they end up failing to save them in time, but they get these crystal shards which give them awesome powers. They acquire this pimp ass airship and fight this floating ruin which is awesome and then connect the dot between these four meteors that crashed into the planet and warp to this new world which is the home world of the oldest peep, who had been suffering from amnesia, but he just remembered that he was this king and he was fighting this dude named X-Death. But they get kidnapped and so this peeps granddaughter tries to save them, but eventually it's the old peep who has to go and save them. So they gather their army and fight X-Death. But on the way, the old peep dies, but his granddaughter takes his place and gets all his skills. They fight X-Death and win, but check it: The two worlds were actually once one. They merge together and the peeps are all like "whoa, what's with this?" So turns out X-Death ain't dead, and he's opened this rift in the world called the N-Zone. So they go this Sealed Castle and collect this Lithographs to gather these 12 Legendary Weapons and then go to N-Zone. They beat X-Death and save the world. Happy end.

Final Fantasy 6

So this one chick is like a magic user, which in this world is weird, so this evil Empire turns her into a slave and tries to use her. But this thief dude saves her and tells her about this group that's fighting against the Empire. So they go on their merry way and gather a crap load of allies from all around the world and eventually get enough guys to fight them, which is convenient cause the Empire launches an attack on this one town called Narshe. So they go and defend Narshe to keep the Empires hands off this really powerful summon monster. They win and then attack the Empire after one of the good girls stars in this kick ass opera. That same girl gets kidnapped, but things cool down after one of the Empire's baddys named Kefka sort of unleashes Armageddon on the world. But check it, he breaks out of jail and despite the efforts of the good guys, completely destroys the world. So the one chick, not the magic girl, but the opera chick is all alone on this island and she tries to commit suicide, but sucks at life and can't. So she goes looking for her friends, finds them all and some new ones and they go blow up Kefka who's built this cool tower. They save the world. Happy end.

Final Fantasy 7

So this one dude with a cool haircut and cooler sword can't remember much except that he promised this one chick that he'd protect her. So he joins this terrorist group that's blowing up all these reactors that belong to this one company called Shinra. They also meet up with this hot babe who's from a race called the Ancients. Now check this, the real twist is that Shinra isn't the real bad guy, but this other dude named Sephiroth is. And so to stop him from blowing up the world they chase him all around the world gaining allies, as is the usual fashion and the Ancient babe ends up getting killed! The main peep doesn't engage in necrophilia, (which is a let down for all) and continues the quest. He finds out that some minor detail about his past wasn't the way he thought it was and, of course, freaks out. So the busty chick who isn't dead takes over and goes to find the guy who ran away, but not before Sephiroth could summon this giant rock to blow up the earth, which is slowly getting closer. They find the main peep, calm him down and they go destroy Shinra and then blow up Sephiroth, and unleash this kick ass spell called Holy that stops the rock from blowing up the planet. Happy end?

Final Fantasy 7: Dirge of Cerberus

One of the peeps has a gun. Kills stuff. Something about a connection between Chaos and Omega and this group called Deepground. I didn't really pay attention. I just killed stuff. Happy end.

Final Fantasy 8

So this military group and a punch of badass teenagers who might as well be the Power Rangers go fight this cruel dictatorship called the Galbadia empire. Galbadia is under the control of this sorceress called Edea. All kinds of stuff happens, including something involving this dream sequence with this other main protagonist named Laguna. There's a big battle between two armies and the mighty morphin army rangers beat up Edea who was really under the control of this sorceress from the future named Ultimecia. Now they find out Ultimecia wants to use this one peep who used to be a good guy, but's now a bad guy, to recover this one ancient weapon called the Lunatic Pandora to summon monsters from the moon. The peeps go and don't stop the monster summoning but meet Laguna in person, and almost lose the hottest peep-ette on a space station. The hot peep-ette is now a sorceress, and there's something stupid about that, but they go beat up this completely immaterial sorceress named Adel, which tries to absorb the hot peep-ette. They then travel to the future through this thing called Time Compression, and beat up Sorceress Ultimecia. Time uncompresses. Happy end.

Final Fantasy 9

So this one dude tries to kidnap this hot jailbait. This other people get in the way and they end up having to save the world from this twisted queen named Brahne. But when she wages war, the peeps find out that there's this other guy named Kuja who's really running the show. Attack after attack causes hell to break loose and so the peeps have to flee the continent. They meet some more peeps and go to this big ass tree, where they beat this monster that stops the flow of this stuff called Mist. So the jailbait becomes queen, cause the bad queen dies and not two seconds after she becomes queen Kuja attacks her town. So all kinds of stuff happen involving emotional trauma and whatnot, and they end up getting this kick ass boat and decide to go chase after Kuja. After a short period of captivity, they break loose and chase Kuja to this icy area, where it's discovered that he's teleporting to a whole new world. So they have to clear these four shrines after collecting these mirrors. They then go into this island with their new airship and follow him to the new world called Terra. Turns out Kuja and the main peep? Brothers. And there's something about empty vessels taking over souls of the old world. So Kuja blows up the new world and this old creep named Garland, and then he fills the old world with mist. So the peeps steal this new airship and chase him into this messed up world called Memoria. They knock some sense into him. And then they beat this completely unforeseen guy named Necron. Kuja is forgiven. The main peep and the jailbait make out in public. Happy end.

Final Fantasy X

This one dude and this other dude know each other. Their city is attacked and the main dude is transported to this new world. He is rescued by this hot blonde babe in a metal suit, but is lost again and winds up at this beach where he meets the majority of his allies, including this hot busty black mage and this equally hot but not as busty summoner. They go from island to island to mainland to play a game called Blitzball while the summoner prays at each temple on the way, gaining more summons, and they meet up with the other dude and the hot blonde babe. If the summoner collects enough summons she might be able to beat this monster called Sin. So after the blitzball tournament they go collecting temples and the summoner gets a marriage proposal from this grease-headed priest named Seymour. Well Seymour turns out to be a bad guy and turns the entire world against the peeps. They get captured, but break out. Then they go past these big plains, over this huge mountain to the final temple which is (Are you ready for this?) the ruins of the main peeps home. So this dude they helped out before they got captured brings his airship and they go fight Sin which is (are you ready?) the main peeps father. Turns out the main peeps dad helped out the summoners dad back in the day and got turned into Sin. But this time when they fight Sin, he won't come back because they'll blow up the core. They go in, beatup Seymour and then beat up the main peeps dad, freeing him. Then they kill the summoners summons and the core called Yu Yevon. The main peep dies, but the world goes on without him… for now. Happy end?

Final Fantasy X-2

Three hot babes dance around on screen. In one scene you see them in bathing suits. Something about a machine. The main peep from the previous game is revived. Happy end.


End file.
